either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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