I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
