in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize