I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
