I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
