I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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