She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
