Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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