Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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