guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
