I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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