Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
