piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
