fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
