Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
