Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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