The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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