I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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