Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
