Don't make out with my wife yet
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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