Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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