I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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