Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
