Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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