New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
