grandma shit on top of the toilet
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
