The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
