he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
