you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
