Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize