I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
