my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
