We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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