gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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