what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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