he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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