last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
