Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
