He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
