4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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