guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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