Whod you bang
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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