just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
