if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
