Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize