just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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