Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
