Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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