Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
