apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
