I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
