It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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