i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
