Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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