all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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