Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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