Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize