so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
