fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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