Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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