possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
