Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
