when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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